Saturday, February 21, 2009

Chapter 1: The Office Seductress

Office Romance Quote:
Hi! My name is Jack,” the Little Man said, “and you know what happens to me when there’s all work and no play…”

The story begins…
I read it again.

“Tunde, come and suck my nipples. I am already on my bed waiting for you.”

Needless to say, the message had me speechless. 

The reasons were simple.

First of all, my name wasn’t Tunde. It is JonXavier.

Second of all, the message wasn’t even meant for me. This wasn’t really surprising considering the fact that it hadn’t come to my phone in the first place. It had gone to Tunde’s. I had no previous idea who he was or that he even existed till now. It was barely a few minutes ago that I had actually made acquaintance with his code name: M. H. 1.

Thirdly, the nipples in question did belong to a lady whose tits I had been eyeing like mad for months. It agonized me seriously that despite all my failed schemes for some weeks now to collide with those breasts “accidentally”, Tunde was been given them free of charge and even being commanded (in my opinion) to come and suck them.

Life is so unfair…

And to think that before she had been the one flaunting those mammaries in my face and shaking her marvelously shaped rump at me and I was the one who acted then like I had a bad case of glaucoma. Now the tables were turned and I was the one who had been seriously gunning for her like an English Premier League team struggling to stay out of relegation. She held all the aces now. She had become the umpire in our seduction game.

It pissed me off even further how for the past few weeks I had been crazily chasing after her, she had been waving the religion trump card in my face, successfully drowning out all my mushy talk by quoting well-chosen Bible verses. To make matters worse, she had recently taken to call me “Brother Jon”.

Brother indeed! Just make a mistake and visit my crib one evening and I’ll show you how well we’re related!

There is an accessory that can be usually found in almost every workplace where males and females are employed. From construction sites to bank boardrooms, this personality always makes its presence felt and even in the few environments where individuals of only one gender work, it is a given that this device will find its way from its own office into your own as sure as men have testosterone.

I am talking about the Office Seductress. When in all-female surroundings, the accessory then changes gender and materializes as the Office Seducer.

Miss Tits didn’t work in my male-dominated office so we just borrowed her as our own Office Seductress.

But back to that text message. I navigated out of the Sent Messages menu and into the Inbox. What had turned into an eye-opener for me had actually begun innocently enough. The phone on which I had just read the SMS actually belonged to Miss Tits. She had given it to me to play with and out of boredom I happened to scroll through the phonebook which was ultra-boring indeed. Every name on it was Brother This or Sister That. No “Mugu One” or even “Uncle” for that matter. Then my eye caught a number with the code name “M. H. 1”.

I love code names. In my Spy Book, M. H. 1 stands for only one thing: My Husband 1. Or Mr. Handsome 1. OK, make that two things…

Naturedly I had to make all the right excuses where she was concerned. I knew she was single because she wore no wedding band. Simple. The intrigue was amplified. Soon I had unearthed another phone number tagged M. H. 2. Was that My Husband’s second number or did she have a second My Husband? From there, the voyage to reading her text messages to and from MH1 and MH2 was the natural option. I lamely soothed my conscience by saying I had to find out if she was really “married”.

I still wasn’t disappointed. In the Inbox was a message from MH1. It read:

“My dear, I am very sorry for what I did yesterday. You will not run mad with thinking, in Jesus name…” 

(Honestly, it took all my effort not to die laughing at this point. So people still wrote this kind of crap? Miss Tits was watching my face intently and laughter would give away my ruse of playing a game on her phone. Let me kindly reproduce the said text without interruption this time)

“My dear, I am very sorry for what I did yesterday. You will not run mad with thinking, in Jesus name. Here are some PINs for loading your phone: X and Y (two N200 PINs for MTN) and Z - a N500 voucher for Glo. Later when you are less busy in the evening, come and pay in this N5000 into your account.” 

Hmmm…. Little wonder! So Mr. Tunde was paying N5900 just to suck nipples. I shook my head and sighed and Miss Tits must have interpreted the gesture to mean “Game Over” on her phone. It was “Game Over” definitely for me on her case.

As far as I was concerned, I now was sure of two things:

One, Mr. Tunde ought to be shot for his stupid choice of words. What did the dumb ass mean by “come and pay this N5000 into your account” like as he was funding her educational grant or something?

And two: I certainly wasn’t going to toe his line and drop 5.9 K, nipples or no nipples!

So the stupid guy had most likely been dropping close to six big ones just for a round of lactation and probably a little touch-touch? For what?!!

I shook my head and looked at Miss Tits sitting opposite me. Her nipples stared back at me.

Damn! Life was unfair!


  1. 1st, i no fit shout. ok thanks to expo sha. anyhoos...
    shey me sef no go open shop lyk this, i nid grant 4 my education now abi how far. lol
    nonsense sister, nonsense mh1

  2. heavy heavy stuff. some women sha..........!

  3. Pls visit and participate...

    It should be fun!

  4. lolll@Rayo' u dis gal, at ur tender age:-)

    ehen' as i was saying.....come n finish dis tori o :-)

  5. @ Rays: Yeah you clinched FIRST this time thanks to my expo shey? From now on na only LG I go dey give expo! Ahn ahn! U too fine to dey find grant like this nah!

    @ Jaguda: I gree...

    @ NBA 2009: Been there, not done that...

    @LG: No mind Rayo sha but wetin concern age inside this one? The tori no bin get Part 2 but make I go Upper Iweka go write am...

  6. @ Jinta: I'm in Upper Iweka... Or was the question meant for the Media Nemesis blog?

  7. Reminds me of the 2008 movie deception

  8. Was that real? Did all that happen? Needless to say, you should be certified. Great story.

  9. This was too interesting. Snopping..humm..that used to be my specialty o (ok i still spy msgs once in awhile). Truth is you will always see stuff like at the name miss tits...

  10. @ Dabizniz: Never heard of the movie not to talk of seeing it. Was it good? This event really happened though. It wasn't a script so to speak...

    @ Laspapi: Yes, it all did happen. I should be certified? WOW! That's great praise coming from the 'papi himself. Thanks a million!

    @ Tairebabs: Snoopiing didn't used to be my specialty until I tried it once and discovered the amazing things 160 characters of an SMS can tell you about a person. I usually try hard not to do it though because the consequences can be disastrous sometimes...
    I thought females would take offence at that nickname though.

  11. LMAO! POst had me in stiches!
    Your blog rocks man!

  12. @ COALG: Thanks babe! Yours rocks too!!


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